All Too Well
by Night.Owl.34
Summary: Her light is going dim, her heartbeat no longer in rhythm with his. /Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it/ Lucas/Maya. (Also on AO3 under serendipitouspeach)
1. First

"Hey, shortstack" I heard Lucas say. I looked up, not even having noticed him standing there. I'd been in my own little world for the last hour working on some sketches for a client that I'd been working with.

"Hey," I said, shifting my stuff off of my lap and onto the coffee table in front of me. I'd been working in the little cafe we met at on Wednesday mornings; I was freelance so I could work virtually anywhere depending on the day. Lucas, on the other hand, worked in a vet clinic so he was only able to stop by on his lunch break- if he got one.

It was quiet this morning, it was raining out and the gloominess of April had taken over the city. I'd ordered a large mug of tea when I came in but I realized that I'd completely abandoned it.

"Maya?" I refocused. Lucas' hand waved in front of me and I realized that I'd spaced out again.

"Are you okay?" Lucas asked, a layer of concern in his voice. I looked up at him and forced a smile.

"Just fine. I've been working on sketches all morning." Lucas tilted his head, glancing down at the sketchbook on the table.

"Maya, there are like three or four lines drawn on that page"

I looked down. There indeed were only a few lines drawn. I knew I'd spent more time thinking than actually drawing but I didn't realize that I'd drawn so little.

"Yeah- I didn't get as much work done as I wanted to, I guess"

He furrowed his eyebrows and leaned forward, putting his hands on his knees.

"Talk."

I held his gaze.

"Things are fine" I said.

"Clearly not" He gestured to the sketches.

"Work is good?"

"What's on your mind?"

"How's the clinic?" I asked again, trying to avoid the inevitable.

"Maya," He sat back into the chair, "Something's bothering you, I can tell."

I reached forward and folded my sketchbook closed before taking a sip of my tea which had gone cold.

"I'm fine."

Lucas drew his mouth into a straight line. One I only saw every once in awhile; one that appeared when he didn't know what to do next.

"Lucas," I reached across the table for his hand. There was a pit in my stomach. "I'm fine."


	2. Second

"Peaches?" Riley's voice echoed through my phone as I fumbled with my keys in an attempt to get into my apartment.

"What's up, Riles?" I asked, trying not to sound exhausted as I cradled the phone between my ear and my shoulder, still struggling with the lock.

"Are you okay?" I heard the lock click and I pushed the door open, grabbing the phone with my hand again and hitting speaker.

I walked into the apartment, pushing the door shut behind me and set the phone on the counter.

"I'm fine, why?" I dumped my bag and keys on the counter as well and began to piece through the mail I'd gotten on my way up.

"Uh, my friendship senses told me," I stopped looking at the mail as I tried to process what she'd said. Then it clicked.

I dropped the mail on the counter and picked up the phone, turning speaker off.

"What did Lucas say?" I asked, again, trying to hide the tiredness and frustration in my voice.

"Lucas?"

"Yes, Riley, Lucas. I am twenty-six and fully aware that your friendship senses tell you nothing and Lucas was the one who made you call,"

Silence. I pinched the bridge of my nose. It's Riley, you can't be mad at Riley, she's just doing the right thing. She's Lucas' friend, friends help one another out.

"Is he there?" I asked, closing my eyes.

"He stopped by earlier,"

I sighed into the phone.

"Maya, he's worried about you. He said you were all spacey this morning and you weren't focusing."

"So I had an off morning, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."

"Maya-,"

"I'm fine!" I said, louder than I intended. The exasperation in my voice and the silence on the other end of the line were very apparent.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"I just want to make sure you're okay," Riley's voice was calm.

The pit returned in my stomach. "I am, no need to worry about me."

* * *

"Riley?" I asked. We were sitting in that same cafe as Lucas and I had been two days earlier. I was supposed to be working; that's what Riley and I came here to do. She was tapping away at her laptop keyboard, likely sending an important email as she looked incredibly focused and determined.

"Hmm?" She replied, still focused on her computer screen.

"Riley,"

She stopped typing, scanned her eyes across the screen and hit the trackpad with one final tap. She looked up and shut her laptop, resting her hands on top.

As she looked at me, her brow furrowed.

"Maya, what's wrong?" She leaned forward, grabbing hold of my hand. I inched away and she grew more concerned.

"I'm leaving."


	3. Third

"I don't understand why you're doing this." Riley called after me as she followed me up the stairs to my apartment. I'd been fairly curt over the past half hour since I'd told her. I'd explained it to her simply and she'd decided to follow me home. I'd known Riley would want a further explanation; this wasn't surprising to me.

"I told you back at the coffee shop." I said, pushing my door open. It hit a box that was behind the door and I had to stop it from slamming shut again. I walked over to the counter and set my stuff down, draping my coat over a chair. There were boxes everywhere in the apartment. I'd started packing last night and I may have gone a little overboard on buying boxes.

"Maya, what-,"

"It's just time Riley!" I yelled, exasperated once again. I hated getting frustrated with her, but I hated it more when she tried to talk me out of things.

"Bullshit."

I stared at her and I could feel myself breaking. She slammed the door behind her and took a step toward me, crossing her arms.

"You don't just leave, Maya-,"

"Stop."

"It's "time?" It's fucking time?" She threw her bag on the floor.

I stepped back. Riley was not one to curse.

She closed her eyes and brought her hand to her forehead. It was silent for a moment. I stared at the ring that sat on her fourth finger. Farkle had proposed last month.

"Maya-," She brought her hand down and looked at me.

"Riles, don't fight me on this one. Please." My voice broke and I knew that Riley could tell there was something more.

I was really happy for them, Farkle and Riley, they were perfect together. They truly deserved one another.

But I was also scared as hell. Scared that I would be asked to be someone- Lucas' wife one day. I wasn't fit for that, I knew I wasn't. I could tell that he'd been thinking about it lately. He'd play with the rings I wore everyday, talk about the future, casually mention Farkle and Riley's early wedding plans. I was terrified.

I wasn't meant to be someone's wife. I wasn't meant to be a fiancée, or a long time partner, I wasn't meant to do the whole "commitment" thing. I was faced with a choice. I could stay or I could go. So I chose to leave.


	4. Fourth

My phone pinged and I rolled over in my bed to grab it off of the nightstand. I looked at the time and it read 2:23 AM. I remembered being encourage by Riley to go to bed around 11:00 PM, but I didn't remember falling asleep.

My phone had a few notifications to say the least. There were four text messages from Lucas and one missed call. I glanced at the texts though my eyes were still bleary with sleep.

 _From: Lucas_

 _Are you running late?_

 _From: Lucas_

 _Am I being stood up? After six years I thought we were past this :)_

 _From: Lucas_

 _Are you okay? I left the restaurant. Where are you?_

 _From: Lucas_

 _Maya?_

1 missed call, 1 voicemail:

" _Hey- It's me. Call me back, Okay? I'm worried about you"_

I was exhausted all over again. I heard some rustling in the living room but my bedroom door was closed and it was hard to make out the sound from down the hall. I thought I heard Riley talking to someone, but I figured I was probably just delirious.

I was about to set my phone back down on the nightstand when it pinged again. I brought it back toward me and looked at the text.

 _From: Riles_

 _Lucas is here._

Shit.

* * *

I padded down the hallway in my socks toward the dimly lit living room. I could hear Riley and Lucas chatting quietly but it stopped when I came into the room.

"Maya, where have you been? I've been worried about you all night. You didn't show up for dinner."

I replied quietly, "I've been here."

Lucas, confused, looked between Riley and me for some sort of explanation. I rolled my lips together and crossed my arms. It was chilly in the apartment.

"I'll be in the guest room," Riley said and nodded at me, signaling to me to let her know if I needed anything.

Once the guest room door shut, Lucas started speaking again.

"Maya?"

I looked down at my feet, my arms still crossed.

"Are you okay? Why didn't you show up for dinner?" Lucas asked.

I looked up at him, trying to keep my face lacking in emotion. "I forgot,"

"You forgot." He said.

"I was worried about you, didn't you get any of my messages?" He asked.

I looked back at him, "Clearly not, since you decided to show up at my door." I gestured behind him.

Lucas' expression shifted. He looked hurt.

"Maya what's going on?"

"Nothing- nothing's going on," I said and turned away from him.

"Then what are all of the boxes for?" He asked quietly.

I stopped.

"You're leaving aren't you?" He said.

I shut my eyes and exhaled, turning around.

"Lucas-,"

"You're running away again. You're leaving." Lucas said, his face unreadable.

He scoffed, "And you weren't going to tell me." He crossed his arms.

I stayed quiet.

"Right. Find me when you decide that this," He gestured between the two of us, "Is worth staying. If ever."

He turned around and opened the door, stepping out into the hallway and slamming it behind him.

I opened my mouth and closed it again, looking down at my hands. I wrung them together and turned around, intending to go back to my room to sleep away the nightmare I had created.

When I turned around, Riley was standing in the hallway that led to both rooms; her face was drowned in sympathy.

I felt my face crumple, but I had no words for her. I knew she'd heard it all. I made my way down the hall and pushed past her, going into my room for the night.


	5. Fifth

By the early afternoon, I'd packed most of the boxes I had left. The apartment was mostly empty and I had to admit it felt lonely. I shoved that feeling down deep and pushed forward. I forced myself to shower and began to pack up my car. There weren't many things I was taking. A couple of duffels and a few boxes packed with my essentials. I didn't really have a long term plan in place. I wasn't breaking my lease quite yet in an attempt to give myself a cushion of time to figure out where I was staying and how I was going to get the rest of my things there. As long as I'd thought about this decision, logistics had never been my strong suit.

I texted Riley around four in the afternoon, letting her know that I was on my way out.

My phone pinged as I was locking my door. The apartment was mostly emptied out. I'd gotten the things I was taking with me into my car slowly but surely over the course of the afternoon. I avoided reminiscing on as much as I could as I did a quick sweep of the space to make sure I hadn't left anything essential.

 _From: Riles_

 _Please stop by- if anything do it for me._

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded to myself. I could do that. I could say goodbye to her in person.

I grabbed my bag off the floor and to turned to make my way down the stairs of the building. With each step a new voice screamed in my head telling me to turn around, to stop ruining things, to back out now. I squeezed my eyes shut as I stood in front of the door that led outside and breathed out. I pushed all of the air out of my lungs in hopes of forcing every single one of those voices telling me not to leave out of my brain. I was cutting my ties. I inhaled quietly and pushed my way outside.

* * *

I timidly knocked on Riley and Farkle's apartment door and stood there for an extended beat before the door swung open. It was Farkle.

"Hey," He said quietly.

I let out a breath I'd been holding, having expected to face her instead. I forced the shame I was feeling into the back of my head and stepped into the apartment as Farkle motioned for me to enter.

He shut the door behind me and quietly informed me that Riley was in her office.

"Safe travels, Maya." He said, an unreadable look in his eyes as I finally gained the courage to meet them. He stepped forward and gave me a hug, something that he'd only done a handful of times since I'd known him. I knew he and Riley only wanted the best for me, and I could only hope that they would, in time, understand my decision.

I stepped back from the hug and let out a shaky breath as he made his way down the hall into the kitchen. I turned toward the office door that sat at the end of a short hallway in the opposite direction. After a moment I finally made my way toward the door and knocked lightly. Not hearing anything, I slowly pushed open the door and peeked my head in.

She was sitting on the window seat near her desk, curled up under a blanket. Violet, her cat, was sitting up against her leg.

She turned toward me and I immediately saw the red rims around her puffy eyes. Subconsciously, I took a step back. My heart ached for my best friend. I finally realized how much this was hurting her too.

Riley looked down at her hands, wringing them together. She twirled her engagement ring around a few times, before speaking up.

"When Farkle proposed to me, I froze. It may have only been for a split second, but all I could feel was fear. As much as I wanted to marry him, as in love with him as I was- as I am, I was terrified. I didn't know if I could make such a big commitment." She wiped at the corner of her eye.

"Riley-," I tried to stop her.

She looked up at me. "Maya I know you. I know you're running away. I may not know all of the thoughts that have been running through your head, and I may not understand exactly why you're doing this, but I know you. It's your decision, so make it as you will, but know that I'm here. Farkle is here. Hell- Lucas is here for you too-"

"He's not." I my voice croaked out. I closed my eyes and took a breath. "Lucas, deserves much more than me. It's for the best."

I looked up at her.

"It's your decision," She said. "It's your path."

She stood up and Violet mewed in protest, jumping down after her.

She stood in front of me, and I stared at her feet fearing one last attempt of hers to make me stay.

"Thunder?" She asked quietly. I looked up and saw her standing there, and I saw how everything I was doing was breaking her.

I swallowed.

"Lightning." I said, linking my pinky with hers.


	6. Sixth

It seemed like every other song that played on the radio was a love song. It didn't matter what station I tuned in to, there was a song about a relationship. Two hours into my drive upstate, I finally jabbed at the power button and shut the radio off.

I focused on the road; it was dusk and my headlights shone two beams into the hazy darkness that was rolling in. I was tired- not sleepy, but I was emotionally exhausted. I had roughly an hour left in my drive to get to the place I was staying for the night. I'd gotten far enough in making a plan to book a stay in an airbnb for that night. I didn't know how far upstate I was driving or where I would end up, but I figured three or so hours outside of the city would get me far enough for the night.

* * *

I grabbed the small bag of things I'd packed for the night out of the backseat of my car before making my way up the front walk of the small house I was staying in for the night. The owner had sent instructions via email as to where to find the key and the basic ins and outs of the place. At that point, I didn't care what the place looked like. All I wanted was a hot shower and a bed to sleep in.

I found the key in its hiding spot, unlocked the door and stepped inside. I shut the door behind me, locking it, and flicked on the lights, slipping off my shoes near the door. I wandered down the short hallway to find the bedroom, where I set my small bag on the floor. The house was quiet; it was small, and quaint, and something I could see myself in someday. I pushed that thought out of my brain, grabbing a comfortable change of clothes and the things I needed to shower before making my way into the bathroom.

I turned the shower on as hot as it would go and peeled off the clothes I was wearing. I shut my eyes as I stepped in, soaking in the steam and accepting the scalding water as it beat against my back. And then I stood there. I let the numbness fade, I let my body crumple. Shoulders hunching forward, lungs aching, I let the sadness take over as salty tears began to mix with the water running down my face. I let myself break.

* * *

An hour later I was out of the shower. Eyes puffy and cheeks pink, I'd gathered myself enough to scrub my hair clean and my body raw. I tried my best to shed my guilt and shame, but my thoughts still plagued me.

I padded down the hallway and curled up on the couch, finally checking my phone for the first time in a couple of hours. I'd texted Riley when I'd arrived, letting her know that I was safe and had a place to stay for the night. Before I had left the city, I had also sent the airbnb address and information to Farkle. I knew it was a good decision to have at least one person know where I was staying for the night rather than being completely on my own.

I set my phone down on the couch next to me, gazing around the small living room. There wasn't much, but the house definitely felt like a home. I felt out of place, like my sadness and guilt were staining the atmosphere of the room. I shook my head as my phone pinged with a text from Farkle.

 _From: Farkle_

 _Glad you got there safely. Sleep well._

I smiled albeit small, at the sentiment I knew was there.

A loud knock coming from the front door startled me out of my silence. I was overcome with confusion; it was nearing ten at night in upstate New York, and I was staying in a house in a neighborhood where absolutely no one knew me. Who could possibly be-

"Maya, please open the door. It's Lucas."

I froze.


	7. Seventh

"Maya?"

I quietly made my way over to the front door. I gently rested my hand on the doorknob and waited. Silence. I debated with myself internally for a moment- don't open the door and pretend like nothing ever happened, open the door and it's a complete stranger and I'm left to my own defenses, or open the door and it's Lucas and run the risk of falling apart at the seams again.

My argument with myself didn't last long and before I could help it I had unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door. Stood in front of me was a very exhausted and distressed Lucas.

"H-hi," I stuttered, my voice struggling to gain traction in my throat. I shook my head and stared at my feet for a moment.

"Maya-,"

I looked up again, my eyes watering against my own will. "I left. I- I left, you-" I gestured toward him, "You weren't supposed to come after me."

"I know." He said quietly.

"But you did?"

"I did."

I was silent.

"You were angry. You're supposed to _be_ angry. You weren't supposed to follow me, you were _supposed_ to forget me. Forgetting was going to make this easier." I said, my voice frantically searching for answers.

"For me or for you?"

I looked up at him in confusion. I felt myself slipping back into the daze I'd been in earlier. He looked sad.

"Maya, can I come in?" I stopped. I stared at him. Before I could say anything, before my brain stepped in, I stepped aside and let him in.

I quietly shut the door and locked it, spending a few seconds too long with my hand on the doorknob.

"Maya," I turned around. Lucas was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. I closed my eyes and took a breath. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, reaching my hand out.

"Your jacket," He looked confused, "I'll take your jacket. I think we're going to be here a while."

* * *

I was sitting at the small dining table across from Lucas, cradling a mug of tea similar to the one sitting in front of him. We were sitting in a weighted silence; it needed to be broken.

"I know you didn't want me to follow you." Lucas said quietly, "But I hope you understand why I did."

I looked up at him and shook my head slowly. "I don't- I, I don't understand why. I'm not supposed to be with you, Lucas. It's not supposed to happen this way." I said.

His face was unreadable.

"I'm exactly what everyone told me I was going to be. And so are you. That's where our paths split. I'm not right for you, Lucas-,"

"Why do you keep saying that?" He cut in, his voice edging between frustrated and angry.

"I'm a flight risk, I'm not dependable, I run. Okay?" I felt my voice shake. "Lucas, I'm not- this?" I gestured between the two of us, "this doesn't match up anymore. I don't think it ever did." I looked down at my hands. Ruining things was clearly a pattern for me, why not continue.

I heard him sigh. I pushed myself up from the table. Taking my mug to the sink.

"I know you came after me, I don't know why." I set my mug in the sink and braced myself on the edge of the counter squeezing my eyes shut before speaking again.

"I run when I get scared, Lucas. I think you know that. When Farkle proposed to Riley, I was over the moon for them, but- something settled in my chest. Something I've battled for a long time. I was terrified that I was going to hold you back from that kind of happiness."

I heard him get up from the table.

"I was absolutely terrified that I'd already ruined your chances at it. My dad left us, Lucas. I know exactly who I'm going to be and even though my mom and Shawn-," I felt his hand rest on my arm. "Even though they got their happily ever after, I know I can't take that from someone. I can't keep ruining love for you, I can't keep telling you that this is what happiness looks like because I know you deserve so much better."

"Maya," Lucas whispered. My grip tightened on the edge of the counter. I bit down on my lip.

"Look at me," He gently pulled me around to face him and he took both of my hands in his.

Against everything my brain was screaming at me, I looked up at him.

"I know you're afraid. I know you run when you get scared. I know you, okay? I love you for you, not because someone told me to, not because I can't find someone else. I love you."

He reached up and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear.

"Even when your hair is damp and you don't have an ounce of makeup on your face, I still love you. Farkle and Riley have what they have, your mom and Shawn have theirs, we have something entirely different. I don't care how many times you run away, because I'll still be here. I'll come after you if that's what you want, I'll stay and wait for you if it's not. I want to be with you, Maya, and nothing is going to change that."

He let go of my hand and reached into his pocket. "You know me too well, Maya, and I think that you know exactly what this is." He pulled out a small velvet box. I froze. "Subtlety is not my strong suit- we both know that."

Lucas reached up, gently cupping my face in his hand. "Whatever you're thinking right now, let it go. I've had this for months, longer than Farkle had Riley's, and he doesn't even know that. He'd probably come after me if he did."

I let out a breath, one I didn't know I was holding. I felt the corners of my mouth turn upward. He took my hand again.

"You're the most genuine person I know. You stand your ground and you're fiercely loyal to your causes and the people you love. You hit the ground running and you take on everything with the same passion and drive I've seen since day one. You're determined, you're hard-headed, and you're incredibly stubborn. I may not know everything about your past, but I want to give you the chance to tell me if you'd like. I want to give you the chance to prove everyone wrong when they said you'd turn out just like your dad. I love you, Maya, and I don't think I'm wrong when I say I think you love me too."

I nodded slowly.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you no matter what that entails, because I know that every moment with you is worth it."

"Maya?" I looked up at him as he knelt down and opened the little box, pulling out the thin silver band. He held it up, "Will you marry me?"

I nodded again. "Yes," I croaked, my voice rough with tears. He slipped the ring onto my finger and stood up again. He reached forward and pulled me into a hug, and I melted into his embrace. He pulled back after a few seconds.

"I know we have a lot to figure out, I know this isn't a magic fix for everything, but I know that I love you and that's all that matters."

I let out a laugh, and wiped at my eyes. "I love you too, more than anything."

I looked down at the ring and back up at him and laughed again. "Riley's going to kill us both,"


	8. Eighth

Early the next morning Lucas and I left the small house that had held our conversations late into the night. We'd talked for a long time, sitting on the couch, just the two of us. It was good to be honest with him- it was good to be honest with myself.

Since he'd followed me upstate in his own car, we were driving back separately. After Lucas pulled away from the house I sent a quick message to Riley, letting her know that we were on our way back and that I'd explain more once we got there.

My phone pinged just as I was about to turn the key in the ignition. I stopped and looked at the screen.

 _From: Riles_

 _You two take your time. Farkle and I will be here. And when you get back I'm all ears, if that's what you want._

I breathed a sigh of relief once her reply came in. I knew that she was my best friend. I knew that Riley was Riley and she would understand, but part of me was still wracked with guilt for putting her through all of this.

* * *

We got into the city around lunch time. Lucas had texted me that he was waiting outside their apartment building for me as I parked. I took a breath before exiting my car and I quickly spotted Lucas on the sidewalk outside the building. I walked up to him and reached for his hand. He took it and we made our way inside and up the stairs in silence.

Once we were standing in front of Riley and Farkle's apartment door my anxiety really started kicking in. Lucas somehow sensed it and gently placed his hand on my lower back to calm me down. I shoved my hands into my pockets and looked up at him.

"Now or never, I guess." I said and let out a shaky breath.

Lucas reached forward with his left hand and knocked curtly on the door. After a few moments, I heard the lock being undone and then the door was open. Riley was standing there, her smile welcoming as ever, as if nothing had changed.

"Hi." I said, a nervous wreck.

"Hi, Peaches."

* * *

Lucas and Farkle were in the kitchen chatting, talking about who knows what. They'd let us have our time to ourselves, time for me to explain things to Riley. I'm sure that Lucas would tell Farkle the run down of the weekend somewhere along the line as well, but for now the boys were giving us space.

I was curled up on the bay window opposite Riley. My lower half was wrapped in a thick blanket and I was leaned up against the small spot where the window met the wall. It was familiar, it was comfortable.

"Maya?" Riley asked softly. I'd been staring out the window at the city traffic for a few minutes now and when I finally broke my gaze with the skyline, I realized that Riley had settled in pretty much the same position opposite myself.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked, pulling Violet into her lap. The cat mewed at her in a moment of protest before huffing and settling in Riley's lap.

My heart dropped into my stomach and my breathing picked up. My pocket suddenly felt like it was filled with lead instead of holding the thin band that Lucas had proposed to me with the night before. I'd taken it off in preparation to see Riley and Farkle. I didn't want to spring anything on them right away.

It was guilt that consumed me. It was the guilt of not being able to fully let go of my previous self. Not being able to fully let go of the broken and pieced together human I was for so long. The guilt of not being able to open up to Lucas for such an extended period of time. The guilt of not wanting to burden Riley with any more than I already had.

"Riles, I-,"

I looked up at her. Her face was so welcoming, such an example of pure openness- willingness to let me in. I just had to push myself to do the same for her.

"I don't know how to explain this. I don't know how to do this without confusing myself any more. I'm just, confused- I guess that's what it is…"

"Maya," Riley reached over and placed her hand over mine. "I'm not here to put words in your mouth or to tell you that being confused is wrong. I'm not here to judge you."

I took in a breath and shifted, reaching into my pocket and pulling out the ring that Lucas had given me last night.

"Really?" I asked quietly, holding up the band. The look in Riley's eyes shifted from genuine support to genuine confusion. I slipped the band onto my ring finger and it clicked for her.

"What-,"

"Are you still here not to put words in my mouth? Still here not to judge me?" I cringed internally, I was pushing away again. I was trying to create distance between Riley and myself again.

"I'm not, Maya, I promise, I'm- I'm extremely happy for you, I just- I- I guess, I don't know. I'm surprised?"

"Surprised that I said yes or surprised that I even let him in, in the first place?"

Fuck.

Riley shrunk back.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." I leaned into my hand, balancing my elbow on my knee. I was back to doing what I always did, screwing things up, creating distance, creating a mess.

A silence hung between us like a low fog. It was murky, hard to navigate. Riley spoke up first.

"I was surprised that you were ready to tell me." She said softly, spinning her own band around her ring finger.

She looked up and I looked at her, confused- I was searching for an explanation.

"This isn't how I expected this to turn out," She spoke again.

"Expected what to turn out?" I questioned quietly.

She lifted her left hand and faced it toward me. "We're both engaged, Maya. I didn't- I expected it to happen eventually, but I always thought it would be this dreamy, magical experience. Something we'd bond over- something we'd be able to talk about endlessly. Yet, here we are, fighting, when we should just be happy for each other."

She let out a chuckle that was filled with more spite than humor.

"This isn't a fairytale like I thought it would be. I don't know how I ever thought it would be like that." She stared down at her hands which were now clasped in her lap.

"Riles-," She looked up. Her eyes were watery.

"You'll have your fairytale. This part? This _life_ part?" I gestured around the room, "That gets in the way sometimes. We're human, it's what happens. We screw up, we get angry, we run away it's- it's just what happens."

"I just- I don't know. I don't know." She mumbled, shaking her head.

"Riley, I don't know either, and that's the terrifying beauty of it." I said.

She looked back up at me.

"The best part about you, the part that everyone loves about you, is that you keep going. This life doesn't give a whole lot of second chances, but hell, we got a hold of quite a few of them. You are a rarity, Riley. You choose to see the good in everyone, you _choose_ to give out second chances. You're the one fueling the progress here, you're the one pushing everyone to see the better halves of themselves."

I shifted, so I was closer to her.

"Your fairytale may not have come at the "perfect time" but it's here now. Riley, life doesn't have impeccable timing. It never will. But, you're engaged to Farkle, and I to Lucas, this is, by far, not how we expected all of this to pan out, but it's how it's laid out on the table now. Let's celebrate that."

She let out a watery laugh and took in a shaky breath, smiling at me. I smiled back.

"You're crying," She said. I shook my head, looking up toward the ceiling and wiping under my eyes before looking back at her. I laughed.

"You are too," I said, pushing her gently.

She swiped at her own cheeks, where tears were falling at a steady pace.

"I messed up," She said quietly.

"I did too." I responded.

I looked at her and realized how far we'd come, how grown up we'd gotten. We weren't in middle school anymore- we were suddenly, and, at first, unwillingly, launched ten some years forward into young adulthood.

Riley was right, this wasn't where I expected myself to be. This wasn't how I expected things to end up. I was happy, undeniably happy, but this whole process of coming into my own over the past decade had strayed far from the path I'd drawn for it to follow. Life hits you hard in the gut sometimes. Sometimes it pulls you away from your friends, the ones you love; sometimes it pulls you away from yourself. I could paint hundreds of maps for my life to follow and there would always be a wayward wind to change its course.

I realized, sitting there, that I was meant to be where I was. Things weren't supposed to go according to plan. Life wasn't meant to fall nicely and neatly into my lap. But, that, I told myself, was life. No neat little bows, no perfectly wrapped packages. Sometimes shit had to hit the fan in order to figure out your footing.

I drew in a breath through my nose and straightened up. I pulled the blanket closer in my lap and glanced down at the ring on my left hand. I smiled.

Holding up my pinky to my best friend once again, I spoke up.

"Thunder?"

Riley tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, sniffled, and smiled. "Lightning."

I nodded to myself, knowing all too well that I was where I was meant to be.


End file.
